The loneliest boy on Earth

Angry Ricky commented in the post about wild thoughts, and it triggered something in me, and I wanted to write about it in a separate post. I used to be the loneliest kid on Earth just a few years back.

anger_childYeah, that’s hyperbole, but it is how it felt. I was an angry, aggressive, all thorns out loudmouth child delinquent that had to get counselling to break down the anger issues.

The counselling never helped much, though, because with 20/20 hindsight I can see what brought me out of that hard shell, and that was not being lonely anymore. This is a realisation I made at 15-16, reading through my old journals, and that I had no comprehension of at 12 when I was in that state.

One day it just occured to me, reading the journals: You worthless little bugger, the reason you didn’t like anyone was because you were lonely.

fat-kid-singleThe reason why I was so lonely was that at age, 12, I weighed about as much as I do now at 17. I think I weighed around 65-70 kg (130-140-ish pounds for you non-metric folks). I was a fat little tub. When I started secondary school at age 11, and until I was pulled out of that school at 12 1/2 or so, I was relentlessly bullied. Not a single day of reprieve for running down the fatty in the school yard.

I had some friends in primary school, but they were lost lost when I switched schools, and instead of friends I had to contend with Keith and his jolly companions. Nobody ever did anything to help me, and I suffered because I was indeed a tub, and it was all my fault, and people were right to hate me. Since my temper is always volatile and explosive, it was easy to set me off, to make me cry. It was fun, I suppose, to see the blubber boy weep.

When my parents found out about the bullying, I was pulled out of that school so fast that my school uniform is probably still fluttering in the wind. We moved to Sweden, where I would be not only the fattie in the school yard but also the funny speaking kid. Oh yeah, I didn’t expect any improvement in my treatment. I deserved it, didn’t I?

ItGetsBetterBut things did improve a lot. The school yard is a hierarchy, a strict one, and one of the “top dogs” took me under her wing. Nobody messed with Maria, and since Maria was my friend nobody messed with me any more. I admit that it took a long time before I trusted her.

I think half a year went by before I stopped thinking that I was being set up for something major. I couldn’t stop not being with Maria, because it was so nice to be liked, even if it turned out to be a pretence.

I stopped going to counselling when I was 13 or so. It didn’t help, and by that time I’d stopped thinking that everyone was out to hurt me. Counselling is the wrong word, by the way. It was a school person and me that sat silent for 30 minutes until the time was up. I never trusted her, and told her nothing.

I had also started running, and the weight was shedding. It was a misery, but I kept at it, and soon enough I wasn’t fat anymore. I also started singing, which helped me too.

selfdoubtquotesmSo, the point of all this is to illustrate that Keith brought me low. Another human being made my life miserable. But I was also complicit in that demeaning of me because I isolated myself from everyone else. I believed the bully, that I was shit and despicable and horrid. I still have that, which is why I sometimes in the midst of my life have a little voice that say to me that “I don’t deserve this”.

I’ve never trusted being alone as a fix to anything, and I envy those that can find solace in solitude, for the reasons that derive from what I said above. When it mattered, other people rescued me. Other people save me from myself.

Therefore, give me the city with its millions of people, rather than the lonely spaces where I have nothing to listen to but that voice that says ‘memento mori, you little worthless shit’. I don’t really trust myself with loneliness, because I’m afraid that it will be like the last time, when I was the loneliest boy on Earth.

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5 thoughts on “The loneliest boy on Earth

  1. Loneliness, or at least solitude, is easier as you get older, especially when you don’t have some asshole killing your self-confidence every day.
    But you won’t be lonely now; you have Mark :)

  2. You might think that you were bullied because you were overweight, but I bet to differ. Kids are just mean. That’s because their parents are mean and don’t teach their kids any manners. I was bullied relentlessly as a child too. I was not fat. I wasn’t black either. I had crooked teeth and dressed weird. So I got braces and tried to dress better. But it didn’t do any good. People are just mean.
    You gotta get away from that sort of people. They’re everywhere. They think they’re better than everyone else, but they’re not. It’s just a front that they’re putting up so you won’t see that they really have miserable lives. Join the ranks of the Misfits and be proud of who you are because you can think for yourself and don’t need the approval of a bunch of dim wit boo zhwas.

    You are awesome! You can change the world and make it awesome and those idiot meanies can’t because they’re too tied down to their cliche’ normalities. They are the ones screwed up in the head.

  3. I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean to drag up a lot of bad memories and emotions.
    There is a significant qualitative difference between the solitude that was forced on me by a crowd of people who rejected me and the solitude that I have chosen by going to the woods. Take Mark (alone together still counts as alone) somewhere you can’t see a road or hear cars, and listen to the birds, feel the trees. Let a spider crawl over your hand without flicking it off. Smell flowers that have never been watered by human hands. There is a ton of beauty and wonder in a big city, but you can also connect with Life and feel like part of a community by making friends with other, nondomesticated species. Some of our best writers are those who see the word oak and think of a living thing that they love instead of a building material. I’ll admit that Emerson’s “transparent eyeball” experience isn’t for everyone, but everyone should at least try it.

    • No, I don’t have to tell you to take responsibility for what other people pour into what you say. I think that has caused a lot of problems in the world where people are afraid to speak because they are afraid to cause offence.

      What something is, is decided by intent, not the choice of words. Your comment made me think, and therefore it was good.

      I know what you mean. Before I lived here, my home was a small town in one of the largest forests in Sweden. You may not know this but Sweden is as large as California, with a tenth of the population, of which sixty percent live in the four biggest cities. Much of the rest of the country is forest. Huge forests. Old forest.

      You could go into it, and lose yourself for hours without seeing another soul. I actually really enjoyed that, and miss that, just as I miss the feets thick snow in the winter. :)

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