Last evening after Mark came home he had over some of the people from his little LGBT club at his school. Three of these pretty boys, and two lesbians, sitting around close to him. Green eyed monster, oh yes.
I spent my evening sitting in the bedroom; ostensibly not to be in their way, but mostly because I didn’t want to watch how Mark sat next to the pretty boys. How he laughed with them, how they made him laugh.
Grey clouds overhead, and rain is just balancing on the edge, but never comes, and you sit and wait for the first drops. Waiting, waiting, waiting, tense. That’s sort of how it felt. I can’t do anything about my jealousy, except go hide when it strikes and wait for it to pass. I can’t ever give in to it, because it’s not fair, and it is not rational.
So, maybe he has tried to date one of these guys. They’re in his school, and I wasn’t in his life. It doesn’t mean anything. But…
It is weird how your heart and head can have such utterly contradictory states. Intellectually I can know something is whacked, wrong, stupid. Emotionally I can be raging. It’s like my head stands apart, watching in slack-jawed shock, stammering protests. My heart is raging up the street with the signs, chanting in protest or happiness or whatever.
Can a human being really be that split? Can the corporeal be a stupid idiot, and the mind be a wise things, and can they both exist in the same body at the same time? Particularly during upheavals? I need to get a grip on this jealousy thing. It doesn’t strike often, but still. I’ll be a wreck when me and Mark only see each other a couple of days per week from next year.
***
The LGBT rights movement started because some transvestites got sick of the police raiding their bars, and they stuck a few bricks in their handbags and got to work. Those were the Stonewall riots, and the LGBT-community around the world owe a lot to those transvestites.
That is why it’s tragic to sometimes hear gay men bluster about how “they don’t want to be associated with cross-dressers, and how the media will associate them with those people”. If those cross-dressers hadn’t rioted, and started the whole Pride Parade thing, all of us would be a lot worse off.
One of the pretty boys had such an argument about “those horrid cross-dressers” last night, and now I’m wondering if I think he’s so wrong because I don’t like him, or because his argument is flawed? I can field such rational arguments about it, but do I really believe any of it?
Can I be that shallow? Would I disagree with him if he said “The world is round” simply because I feel that stupid jealousy? Lack of information. I think I should get to know these pretty boys. They do behave, and act nice. It’s just my own stupidity that is behaving now. Maybe if I knew them, I’d stop.
Or maybe if I tried to be as groomed as they are, I’d be less jealous. Maybe I should be prettier and more superficial. Maybe that’s the road ahead. Maybe I should spend three hours each morning grooming myself. I think I’m losing it.
***
I’ve sent Mark off again to work, so there’s another day where I have to find something to do. I still have all that school work to do, and the novella.
Going out yesterday wasn’t such a good idea since it was another one of those cold, climatically unstable days where you don’t know if it is going to rain or not, and where it always rains when it is most inconvenient.
Since I was alone, and none of my friends from school were available for some adventure, I decided to go down to the town centre to do some window shopping, and maybe find a new book to add to the growing collection of books that I should read. Maybe I would also meet people that I recognised. Who knows?
It was mostly about me meandering from shop to shop, bored out of my skull, and regretting having gone down. It always seemed to stop raining when I went into a shop, and to start raining when I came out onto the streets again.
I did find a new book that looks interesting, and which I shall add to my list, knowing full well that I never get to the bottom of any such list. I always add and add and add books, and remove books that I realise that I’ll never actually read.
Colinology 
I suppose the jealousy has one very marginal benefit in that it reminds you of the basic truth that one has to work at keeping relationships healthy. The chemistry between two people may be intangible and unfathomable, but only a fool would rely on it to cancel out the occasional hurdle life throws in front of lovers.
Ignoring each other’s needs, tastes and feelings would soon get you into trouble, and make-up sex doesn’t work if you don’t resolve to fix the problem that led to it.
BUT… I very much doubt that Mark gives a flying fuck about how fashion-challenged you are or how little ‘product’ you waste on that mop you refer to as your hair. (I suspect he’d be more likely to be seduced by someone’s mind and intellect than their colour scheme.)
So stop fretting about Pretty boys; their obsession with appearance may well be your greatest ally 🙂
Is this another time where you’re calling me ugly? 😀 But seriously, I need to get a handle on that, because it’s stupid and pointless. The only question is how to get a handle on it, and if it’s even possible. It is totally irrational because if Mark was attracted to them, he could have gone with any of them a long time ago. They’re in his school, and he runs into them daily.
I just noticed this bit. I just wanted to assure you that it takes a lot to make my “mop” look like this. Without chemicals and soap and straightener, my hair would hang down, thick and curly and totally bleh. 😀
It’s totally natural and you’ll learn how to work through it as time goes by. Life and relationships are a learning curve and you’re way ahead of the mark. The seventeen year old me was a little, insecure pansy, afraid of everything. You’re facing life head-on. 😉
I thought I had the neurotic insecurity down pat in this blog. All this wangsting about things that aren’t that important to anyone but me. I’m amazed that people actually read and comment. It seems to be so much first-world problems. Like, “boo hoo, he’s got a boyfriend and is jealous. Cry me a river..:” 🙂
First world problems can be just as intense to the person feeling them as their third world counterparts 😉
Some of the most successful TV shows of all time are all about that, the little everyday moments that we can all relate to.
There’s no one out there who hasn’t sat nervously in bed wondering what their partner might be doing/thinking/feeling.
It IS perfectly natural (although I hate having to agree with pink :-P) and I bet if the next time the pretty boys were over you took the time to sit with them and get to know them, you’d feel less intimidated and less jealous over their relationship with Mark.
I have a job in which I’m surrounded by men half my age (perfect working conditions for me) but lately, they’ve hired 2 other women. One is close to my age and bossy, but I have seniority and put her in her place when I feel necessary) and the latest one, who I was PRAYING was old and ugly, turns out to be 18 and cute. Great. Well, my natural response was to be a bitch and to ostracize her but I fought it. Instead, I trained her and befriended her. Now we have a “ladies” table and the guys love it. They also continue to give me the attention they did before, and I’m not so sure if they would have if I had mistreated this girl.
My point of this long, self absorbed post is that it’s normal to have these negative feels and even be able to realize that they are wrong in our own minds. What makes a difference is how we act to change that negative behavior and how delightful it is when you DO step out of your comfort zone and see that things have worked out for the better. 😉
If your comment is self-absorbed, what do you call my blog? 😀 But on a serious note, I have to do something about this jealousy thing. It’s not fair to Mark. I KNOW him, and I trust him. He wouldn’t ever succumb to that temptation. He is not that type of person that acts on impulse to satisfy a shortlived and temporary need.
Your blog is your blog and you can use it for whatever you wish. I tend to over-comment at times and turn it into something about me…that’s what I meant by self-absorbed. 🙂
I’m glad you can trust him and I’m sure that you will figure out how to tackle that emotion.
As for that pretty new girl at work? Well, I found out that one of the guys I really liked, has been even nicer to me the last couple of days with the hopes of getting close to her. Ugh!! It’s no wonder I turned to my own gender. I’m having a hard enough time accepting wrinkles and grey hair (and fighting them with tooth and nail btw) but I find myself having to compete with cutesy 18 year olds and it just isn’t fair. 😦 Sorry, I’ve had a really shitty day today and I need a pity party. Wanna come? 😛
Ok, so Mark has an apparent choice of 3 ‘pretty boys’ he’s known for years and 1…’less groomed’ guy he met less than a year ago. Which one is he moving in with this month? End of argument! Kick the green-eyed monster back under the bed, and leave him behind when you move out!
Keep your thoughts in check, and know that Mark is yours and these boys are his /friends/ (and nothing more), and next time they’re over – in the bigger house – why not go out there and join them, and make them your friends too? They are no threat to you, Colin.
Enjoy your extended weekend 🙂
Well, he moved in with me ages ago. We’re just changing venue for our shared fabulousness. 😀 And I never claimed that the jealousy is warranted or rational. 🙂