My dad had a few choice words for me last evening, and it took about forty minutes for him to deliver them as he repeated himself quite a bit. I haven’t said anything here on the blog about the reasons for the tell-off because I’ve been thinking about it, but my school has sent a message to my auntie about my sudden drop in engagement.
After two years of being the busy beaver and the model student, I’ve had to struggle with going forward with anything. My essays are lacklustre. My course-work uninspired. My class room participation low. That has been on my mind a lot, and I try, but…. all that made my Student Councillor contact Auntie. Auntie, being her, sent the message to mum, and mum sent the message to dad.
There we have it; the reason dad gave me a rare ring to tell me off. I had almost thought he’d stopped caring because we don’t actually talk that much any more. I have daily contact with mum; well every other day. But before yesterday evening, it was over a week since I heard from dad.
Anyway, I have a sudden serious lack of motivation going, and I don’t know what the hell I’m going to do to get my motivation back. I’ve been sort of hoping that this break would let me recharge my batteries a bit, but then again that is probably just an excuse because after the tests school hasn’t been so rough and demanding.
Living as I do, I keep forgetting that Auntie is still my guardian, and that I’m not out of the childhood woods yet. It’s still a month to go on that front, and I’m a bit worried what will happen in a month when the school will stop giving Auntie a ring about me.
I really don’t make any flipping sense, do I? I’ve made all this effort for two years, and now it feels like I’m starting to piss it all away just because some posh gits at a school I was never likely to get into anyway said ‘no’. Am I that spoiled, actually? Am I that privileged that I think I have some sort of right to go there?
I think it’s deeper than that… and I think I’m lying to myself. Or… not lying, but fooling myself. I have tried to write fiction, and I don’t really have the engagement for that either now. And if I don’t write fiction, then what the hell am I doing here? Was all that just a stupid kid dream? Was it all just a childish fancy, like wanting a toy that I just thought I wanted?
If that was a silly notion, then I don’t have anything left because I’ve spent the last two years trying to get into a position to fulfil that dream. And now… I have no flipping clue about anything. Mark says that I’ll find something. He has such a wonderful assurance about me. I wish I knew myself as well as he apparently knows me. He’s been wonderfully patient with me, and says he believes in me, and I want to believe that. No, I do believe that. But I think maybe his faith in me is misplaced.
We’ve talked about this a lot, but we’re going in circles. I’m going in circles in my own head.
There, I’ve said it publicly. I’ve uttered the dread words. I’ve clothed my nightmare in words.
What if I don’t have it in me to become a writer at all? Ability to string words together is not enough.
And if I’m not a writer, then what on earth am I of any use for?
When you’ve been so single-mindedly aiming for a specific target for so long and then you miss it, it’s natural to feel demotivated. Motivation will return in time, probably sooner than you’re thinking at the moment. I think pretty much everyone’s been through a similar crisis of confidence, I certainly have, and more than once! You have a week off now, use it to do something completely different. Go and play some music or something, do anything to distract you from your schoolwork and ambitions. Give your head a complete break and then your motivation will return.
Spot on. It happens from time to time. And sometimes the smallest things make the difference. Once it was simply hearing “Suite: Judy Blue Eyes” on the car radio. The mind is a strange and wonderful thing.
Colin, do you consider yourself a writer because you’ve written or because you want to write? I’ve said before that your blog is excellent but if you’ve written something in the form of a story why not ask other writers for opinions.? Gather.com has plenty of groups dedicated to writing where you can share and get opinions. That might give you a boost even if it’s constructive criticism. Not getting into the right Uni doesn’t diminish you a a person nor as a writer.
I had written three books before a crisis occurred and I suddenly couldn’t write any more but recently I poured out some frustration in a poem which was (accidentally) seen by people on my blog who suggested it was good. I sought the opinion of a writers group and was encouraged by the response, so much so that maybe my pen will rise again. You certainly have the skills to write so give it a break as suggested over this week and then see if your enthusiasm has returned. I’m sure Mark’s confidence is not misplaced.
Best of Luck.
You had your heart set on something. It didn’t happen and a door has slammed shut in your face. You wouldn’t be human if you didn’t feel deflated right now. But don’t lose the dream. Not even the best university in the world can teach you how to write, all it can do is give you some bright, shiny tools. Only you can use those tools to create something wonderful. That’s a fact.
Now do what the others had said, and when you feel a little better start looking around to see which new doors opened in place of that old one. -hugs-
I’ve said – ad nauseam – what I need, or want, to say about your writing. clearly ad nauseam because you never bother to respond :p
but you are referring, once again, to writing fiction.
before you decide you will never be a writer of good fiction, try making a list of good writers of fiction who are under 20. we could give you a sporting chance to making that under 25.
sure, there are plenty of good writers who published their first work under 25. but great writers who published great work Under 25? not many.
some kids your age are in love with the idea of being in love. you seem to be in love with the idea of being a literary great.
you WILL be a great writer one day. meanwhile you remain a good one, and a very perceptive human being. your present writing often surprises and delights me, but to be blunt, i read your blog for your mind, for the clarity of your perception, for the pleasure of seeing you grow so delightfully.
Colin, start being realistic and stop mourning what you haven’t lost.
you are a smart guy, a very engaging writer, and one who shows promise of combining the two things with great verve, to marvellous effect… one day. sometime in the future. when you have lived a little more and experienced at First Hand more of life’s horrors, pleasures, fuck-ups and triumphs.
Sure, you are disillusioned, annoyed, frustrated, even bitter. Hell, I do not blame you. But when you’ve licked your wounds and massaged your ego a little, pick yourself up and pitch yourself back into the process of growing up, mentally, physically and emotionally. you are already a remarkably mature, clear-thinking guy. but you are far from a complete human being.
WHAT you study at uni, and which uni you study at, is less important than that, through study and encountering other viewpoints, you create your own direction, chart your own course and set your own goals, discovering just how limitless your horizons could be.
in about 10 years i would expect you to be writing a truly amazing book, possibly ‘fiction’, about these times and the experiences you are now prone to dismiss as irrelevant and pointless. they are not, just as you and your life are not and never will be irrelevant and pointless.
your dad can sometimes be harsh and thoughtless in how he expresses himself. but i think he may just be voicing frustration at what he sees as your failure to embrace your genius as it is, not what you think it should be.
peace
Don’t stop. I don’t know what’s right for you, but I do know my own situation. I’ve lived my life chased by the boogeyman of ruin and destitution which kept me working hard. When I lost my job I gradually learned that I wasn’t a few steps from ruin, I wasn’t in any imminent danger. I decided to take a little break. Now I don’t have motivation. The break isn’t ending. I want my boogeyman back.
You had a goal, a plan. It has become derailed. You lost your boogeyman. You need to find a new goal, if only a temporary one. Perhaps it is to be the best student despite not needing it to get in to University, YOU need it. I was dismayed to hear you talk about what you minimally needed, you’re better then that.
You are a bright, insightful person; that’s why we read you. What use are? There are many things that you could do. I’m reminded of the story of two hikers that encounter a bear. One says he will run away. The other asks if he thinks he can out run a bear. The first one says he only has to outrun the other. Look around at your peers. You only have to be better then them. From what I’ve read from you, you are better.
Prepare yourself for what you enjoy. If you aren’t prepared then if an opportunity presents itself you won’t be able to take it. Nobody knows what tomorrow is going to bring, but you need to be prepared if your golden opportunity comes.
Five people have weighed in with excellent advice and I doubt I could improve on their words. I’ll just government my perspective. I have enjoyed your blog immensely. You are a talented writer and I have no doubt you’ll produce books people will love to world’s. What you need as much as a good education are great experiences. Travel to fascinating places, get to know people from different cultures or walks of life. I spent time overseas twice while in College. Those rich experiences still are an inspiration all these years later. Later in life I found myself exposed to people vastly different from myself. In doing work for and with people living with AIDS and literally working the streets to reach people no one seemed to care about. Trying to ignite the spark that would lite the flame of self worth that would give them the desire to reduce their risks and avoid becoming someone who died far to early. I went from a relatively sheltered person to a street wise advocate for those society had turned there backs on. My point is that writers find inspiration from the lives they lead and the experiences they’ve had. You already have shown an affinity to turn experiences into quality writing. You had a bit of a setback, dust yourself of, rekindle the dream. Give yourself to completing your last semester in style. Realize your future is not dependent on getting into a posh school but rather turning the rich experiences of life into work people will be queuing up to buy and getting you to sign their book for them. Your dream didn’t die because you didn’t get into the Uni you wanted, hell it may even be a good thing you have to choose a different place to get your higher education from. Afterall, you are far more likely to meet interesting people with stories you will be inspired to write about at a college with a diverse student body. As I said a few posts back, your futures so bright you’ll have to wear shades!
Yes, I can count – Cobra got his comment in while I was writing mine. So now seven of us have weighed in. And I’m sure there will be more – you DO inspire us!
You have a talent for words that most of us could only dream about. Whether or not you chose to make that your vocation is entirely up to you. If you’re feeling sad and discouraged Colin, write about that. Its feelings that give fiction its life.
As many more eloquent than me have already said above, you have suffered a setback in your life’s plans, and that will always reflect in your spirits and therefore motivation. You may need to take some time to think about what you’re going to do from hereon in, and even what path to follow at all, but you can’t stop all else that’s going on to do that. You have to keep going, and keep going to the best of your ability, so that when you do find your new direction, you’re as strong a candidate as you can be for anything that it requires of you.
Bizarre as it may seem, although you may not have a current goal to work towards, you still have to work as hard as you can towards some fictitious and ethereal goal, so that when the new goal comes along, you don’t miss out on it through lack of effort while you were waiting for it. Hope that makes sense?!
Enjoy half-term Colin, then get back and (with love and respect, of course) get off your arse and get down to work, like you know you can and know you should be!
i like that you speak plainly. too few people do. bless you
As the main point of other comments seems to be, these feelings are natural. As always, it’s a good thing that you are thinking them through. I cannot say anything about novel writing. It’s not my genre, but I understand motivation, losing it and trying to find it, and the questioning involved. As to writing, you have written this, and I know, I know, “it’s only a blog!” But you have been writing and we have been following. Not just because you are cute and young; please don’t be fooled into thinking that. If that’s what your followers were interested in they’d be following that shirtless sap Davey Wavey’s blog instead. Your writing is engaging, and insightful. And forgive this old man, but damned insightful and inspiring for a young man of your age. Marge Piercy said “a real writer is one who really writes,” and “you have to like it better than being loved.” And I think this description fits you.
I’ve been thinking about all your replies for a few days. Here’s an attempt to answer everyone at the same time.
I know that some (looking at Tony) want me to become an essayist, but right now – I have even less to offer as an essayist than I do as a fiction writer. Somehow I don’t think the contents of this blog cuts it as piercing critiques of contemporary life. I don’t think any of my school essays will ever be held up as examples of anything, like a young Hazlitt might have been, or a young Hitchens or Maddow.
Maybe I can’t do it on my own like I’ve always thought I could. Maybe what is needed is for someone up the ladder to give me a hand, and maybe I don’t want to have that hand since there would be a price-tag attached to that hand, and I probably wouldn’t like the price. Maybe I need to pick a side, politically and thematically, and inject myself into a context.
The most natural one would be to become either a faked version of a working-class agitator, another champagne socialist that is celebrated in the Guardian or in the literary magazines. Or I could become a puffed-up enabler of middle and upper-class ideals. Maybe I should write about council estates and poverty and struggles, or maybe I should write about the oh-so-terrible-life of a trust-fund kid with a loving husband to be and a house and a car in one of the most expensive towns in England. That’s a horrid life, isn’t it?
But I can’t muster the pragmatism to do that, so I don’t feel like I want to commit. I still have five to ten years before I get a career in anything. But what I choose to do now will determine what I do then. I might not be able to do anything now, but what I do now will limit what I can do then. I’m not sure that I’m making myself clear here.
Maybe growing up is all about developing that pragmatism away from everything I believe in now, so that when I do start my career I will be callous and shallow enough to parrot whatever it is that I need to say in order for someone to extend that hand down the ladder. Then like an ever fattening leech I can tell myself to wait until I’ve climbed further up the ladder just so I can do my thing.
It’s writing stories that’s kept me going. It’s the idea of writing stories that brought me here. It’s the crazy notion of getting a degree that allows me to write stories that have been my singular objective for so long. It’s been like a furnace in me for so long, this wish and this ambition.
I don’t care about “literary value”. I’m not the one that decides on that anyway. If I strive for it, anything I produce will be fake and inauthentic. It will be a pretentious aspiration. I just wanted to write stories that people stay awake too late to finish reading. I admit that the idea of going around the world and write about it is alluring, yes it is, but I’m not sure that in ten years time there will be a place for that sort of writing. I’m not sure I will ever have enough experience to understand the underbelly of humanity enough.
If I grew up to become a James Patterson rather than a Chuck Pahlanuk, or a JK Rowling rather than a Sadie Smith, I wouldn’t really care. I thought I wanted to write stories. I’m just not sure anymore. Maybe it was a childish notion to think that I could. Maybe it was an unrealistic notion that I could. Maybe talent and will is not all that is required. Maybe it was a wish to have written, rather than a wish to write.
I don’t have a flipping clue what “my thing” is any more, except that I want to be authentic. I don’t want to be a fake, and I don’t want to be a hypocrite. But maybe I need to be that to get ahead, or to get a break. That’s what I can’t really find the motivation for.
I think.
I’m not sure.
My thoughts are pretty jumbled, and it might just be that negative side of me popping out.
For now, I’ll just try to learn the piano chords for some songs, and I’ll sing out my frustrations for a while. Maybe I’ll make an EP. Maybe I’ll try to be a musician for a while. At least that’s something I can be authentic at. Maybe my life and experience can be accepted as worth something in a song. Maybe I’ll be a song writer for a bit.
I like that idea.
For now, as we’ve suggested above, take a break during this week’s holiday; the arrival of the piano (and it’s quaint tuner!) is the perfect distraction so go and play it, and play with it. Learn or write a few songs, we know you have a great voice. You have plenty of time to decide what you want the course of your career to be so there’s no need to decide now, or to even get worked up about the decision. Just concentrate on finishing your school work and getting those good grades you’re well capable of.
During the next few years as you progress through college, there will be many influences and many opportunities, so there is no need to impose a career path on yourself at this early stage. Keep an open mind, consider all possibilities, and I dare say by the time you graduate things will have become much clearer. Don’t try to run before you can walk, else you risk tripping yourself up
. As for helping hands, don’t assume they always carry a price tag. History is littered with creative people who’ve found wealthy patrons!
Alas, I don’t know. I’ve been asking myself the same questions, and have needed my friends to remind me that teaching does some good for some students. If I can keep from falling asleep all the time, I’ll write a post about it over the weekend.