My plan of world domination is really sensitive to outside interference, because it has always hinged on a possibly impossible goal. That’s why I’ve not invested that much emotion in achieving the goal, because achieving the goal is unlikely, and large parts of the success will depend on chance.

the futureMy goal has been to get at least a Bachelor’s degree in English from Oxford or Cambridge. A Bachelor’s from those places are possibly enough to get the career I’ve always considered. A similar degree from any other University is likely more useless because it does not carry the name recognition that a diploma from Oxbridge does.

To achieve the same thing from other Universities, I’ll most likely have to get a doctorate in English. Which adds years and years to my education, and the need to finance it myself. A bachelor’s degree is five years away.

I’ll be twenty-two when I get it. A doctorate probably adds another four years, and I’ll be almost thirty. I’ll be old before I get out of school!

With the degree from Oxbridge, I’ll be able to teach English to people like me. I have basically six months to decide the course now, I realised this morning. University placement will be settled by January. When school starts again, it will be a mess of UCAS and stress about A-levels. And it will be throughout the year.

I should finally settle my dithering about what I want to do “when I grow up” this summer. I must also, somehow, incorporate Mark into my plans, because obviously I’m not going to do any planning for a future without him. So, my idea about returning to Sweden and teach English is gone, forgotten, and over. We’re getting married next summer, and he’s a part of my life now.

Mum might help Mark get a job there, but I can’t count on that, and I can’t bake that into my plans. It is much easier for me to stay in England than it is for Mark to move to Sweden where he would have to learn a new language. Which means I’ll have to think of something else than going there. Will I get a the same kind of job I thought in the previous edition of The Plan if I execute the plan in England?

I thought this summer would be like every other summer; full of doing mindless shit and reading a lot. I think I instead am going to have to devote a large part of it to really think about what I’m going to do with the rest of my life. And to stop flailing about. Decide now, and forever hold my peace.

Instead of carefree frolicking, I think what I decide now is going to make me or break me in that impossible future.