I’m not sure I could call it a ”new confidence” but yesterday I realised that I’m doing things a lot differently than I used to do, and that probably means that I’m a new and improved me.
What I mean by that is the things that would bother and annoy me a year ago barely register on my upset-radar today. A year ago, I would have been livid about being patronised by someone I didn’t know.
You want to get on my bad side? Patronise me. That’s still true. However, yesterday when I was patronised I barely registered it before I dismissed the person and left her there. Of course, that meant that I was an obnoxious, entitled, and rude yob, but that’s another matter.
This is not the first time it’s happened, so I think I could describe it as a new behavioural pattern in me. Maybe I could even describe it as a new and improved confidence where other people’s opinion of me doesn’t count as much.
If so, I entirely blame the last year. I mean, many good things have happened to me. Maybe people’s criticism of me is not factual. Perhaps the key to confidence is in contexts and associations.
Before, I was forced to be in one context by public school and legal requirement and parental decisions. Now that I make my own decisions, I have a lot more ability to prune the associations I don’t want, and I can chose my own contexts.
What happened yesterday is that Mark’s brick laying side-job had a pub evening for the employees and their spouses and partners, and since I’m a partner of an employee, I was invited. We went over there, and I met with the lot of them.
One of the women started complaining when she heard we were getting married, relating it to her own stupid choices as a teen, to become pregnant, and marrying the father. Because she was clueless, it somehow must mean that we’re clueless.
Ordinarily, that kind of thing would have set me off, but it didn’t. I just nodded and tried to talk to the others, while at the same time marvelling at my own forbearance about the whole thing.
I suppose that adults aren’t any better than teens when it comes to social power plays. It might be more subtle, or in this case not, but it’s just as bad.
Speaking of the side-job, now that the exams and that are over, Mark is going to work more for them. Beginning on Monday, he’s going to work every other day for them until July, and then we’ll go to Sweden and the job my mum got him.
I almost feel guilty for frittering away my time reading books and playing computer games, while he goes off to earn money for us. When I tried to joke about that, he just said that he was used to it.
“You’re going to write those books, and I’ll just have to keep you fed, haven’t I?” He said. So, I can look forward to a future as a housewife that read books, eat chocolate, and plan parties while my husband goes out to earn a living.
I’m going to be the gay male Peggy Bundy. Well, Mark won’t be a shoe salesman. That’s another improvement too, isn’t it?
Mark’s feelings for me gives me a boost as well, and I don’t fret about worrying about if what he feels is real or not, and given his personality I don’t worry that he’ll cheat and play around on the side.
Sometimes when I’m in my moods, wondering why the hell he stays with me when he could have someone so much better and prettier and smarter and all that, I’ve thought that question. You know what they prejudice is; boys will fuck anything that moves. So, of course, in my darker moments the question has struck me. Would I even know? I have no clue.
But everything I know about Mark says he wouldn’t. He is not such a slave to emotion as I am. I’m more likely to give into temptation than he is, and the idea of cheating makes my inside cold. That would really be stupid.
He’s the rational one, the logical one, and he is probably more committed to us than I am. Mark never commits to anything easily, and when he does it’s a fixation. Like the job as a brick-layer. The little it gives us could easily be replaced by the rent from the girl down-stairs, but he keeps at the job because he’s made the commitment.
While we’re students, we’re not exactly starving, and with the rent-money we could swallow losing the £100 or so that he gets from the job each month. But he’s made a commitment, and so he stays until the agreed end this autumn.
So, since he values me more than the job, I don’t think he could cheat. It is just not in his psychology.
I also want to apologise. I’m not responding much to your comments. I really, really appreciate every one, but I’m sort of half on summer leave from everything, and before Mark starts working on Monday we’re taking the time to be together.
Mostly, I just write these posts in word, copy and paste them into my off-line blog writer, hit a button and then go and do other things.