I think that I and Mark are good.
Last evening we had one of those serious talks about things, and lay awake until one in the morning just talking. I like doing that, but I have a childish worry about these serious talks because one of these days I think he’s going to tell me that he’s had it with me and wants to leave.
How is that for security and trust in the relationship? I have such a rock solid faith in us that you wouldn’t believe, and which is possibly a bit stupid and naïve, but it is just a tally and evaluation of everything I know and see and hear every day that make it so.
So, that worry every time we have the serious conversation is silly and childish and… persistent. I’ve thought before that I sabotage most things that are good for me, in the end, and I wonder if this worry is not a part of that. I sabotage things because going fully into something could lead to nasty things, and therefore it’s better to not go fully into things, and to block me going fully into things. That way I save myself grief later on.
Stupid, right? But we’re good, me and Mark.
I love the way his eyes become so soft when he looks at me sometimes, or how when I turn around and see him standing there smiling, looking at me. I’ve said so before, I think. I just love that. I just love him.
So, we’re still good.
Good is of course highly subjective because, after I wrote the above section this morning I realised that… Christ that man can infuriate me sometimes. Like, we have a two line exchange that goes along the line of.
“Paris was nice.”
“Yeah, we should go back sometime.”
Then two weeks later he comes home and says he’s planned a two week vacation there. He hasn’t planned a trip to Paris, yet, and that just an example, but he did commit us to a festival in September. So, it’s going to be living in a tent, in mud, in a field – and all because I three weeks ago agreed that it would be nice to go to a festival.
When I ask why the hell he didn’t talk to me about it before just going about arranging it, he’ll give me this look of surprise and say “But we did talk about it.” Three weeks ago. In two lines, as an aside, before talking about something else.
Hell, it probably is going to be nice and fun and that, but damn-it. He could talk to me before ordering tickets and making arrangements.
It’s four days until we go to Sweden, and we’ve started packing a bit. What do you bring when you’re going to be away for months? We’ve decided to try and travel light, and buy most things over there.
I have to keep in mind that this is Mark’s thing, his chance to get a foot-hold, or toe-hold in a real science setting. What he’ll learn or not learn here is going to clarify a lot for him, I think. I think he might overestimate what he’ll be allowed to do. I doubt they’ll include him in the inner circle of research. He’s most likely the new organic coffee maker, rather than the young strapping science geek that will solve all their research problems.
Still, with the week we have before starting we should be able to have quite a bit of fun. It’s going to be ever so nice to drag him around the old haunts, and to show him my world before England. I wonder how that will go?
I have so little contact with the people I used to know. Apart from Maria and a couple of others, I barely think about my old gang and friends, except in moments where I feel a bit guilty for not thinking about the people that I thought would be in my life forever.
It is going to be so strange to go back there, and I wonder how it will all turn out. And you know what? Now that I’m almost ready to travel I have this terrible home-sickness for the place.
I’ve missed them. Mum, dad, Maria. I complain a lot about them, yes, but I’ve missed them a lot. It’s going to be great to see them again.
I posted another song on my blog.