I saw Erik today. Erik is the ex of my best friend Maria. He was also the one that outed me to my whole circle of friends and acquaintances last summer.
One day he and Maria came over to my house, and during their visit I went out for some snacks, and when I came back Erik was sitting in front of my computer. I had turned off the screen when I left. Now he had turned it on again, and the whole of my homo persuasion lay open before him.
I felt so brave and edgy sitting there in that room with them snogging on my bed, reading gay forums and LGBT blogs, or whatever I was looking at. An hour later the truth about me was all over Facebook. I was so devastated. I thought my life was over. I remember turning my room inside out, and then returning it to normal after the explosion was over. I think I cleaned for forty minutes; just the stuff I had thrown into the hallway and down the stairs. My parents never noticed that. They just noticed my mood.
In the end, nothing happened about the outing, and it was a huge anti-climax. I never saw most of the people that read my Facebook again. And I closed my Facebook shortly after that, forever. I was such a fool, still, and when Maria and Erik got back together after a separation, I was so mad. It nearly cost me my friendship with Maria.
So, when I saw Erik today I thought I would explode. For about one second, and then I just felt nothing. Erik has dropped out of the Gymnasium after an injury, so the thing he was is no longer. He can’t play football, and he’s not a big academician. Now he works in a store. And I bet he’s stuck there. And he’s changed too. Or I remembered him differently. I don’t know which. Or I’ve changed. I just don’t know.
No, this is not the soppy story of how Colin and Erik found each other, fell into each others arms, bonded, and became friends forever. I still think he’s an idiot and a royal wanker. I wouldn’t piss on him if was on fire, as my future father in law says about people he doesn’t like. A quaint expression, but fundamentally true.
I don’t see why he holds the record. Of all the people I included in the porn-studio of my dirty mind back then, I don’t understand why he held out the longest. I had such a crush on him, and I don’t know why now. He’s not actually that attractive, and he seems smaller than I remember him. Shorter.
I don’t expect to ever see Erik again, after I turned my back and went to the bookstore to try and find something readable. He’s well and truly out of my life, and he holds no power. I think that may be the big change. All the people here, they’re just people I used to know. Will I even remember any of them in ten years time? That thought feels kind of weird, and a bit sad. Many of them weren’t bad or wicked, and I had fun with them.
Transient people feel a bit off to be honest, but that’s what they’ve been – except I didn’t realise it when I spent time with them. They were just in my life for a time being, filling a role, and now that the role has been fulfilled they have moved out of my life and I’ll struggle to even remember their names in the future.
Some, like Erik, I guess I’ll remember because they had a big impact on me. I’ll keep in touch with Maria. But the rest… They’re like ghosts; visible for a brief time, and then they dissipate in the wind, and are gone. Then after work, Mark came and fetched me, and we drove “home”,
I love this man. He’s the important one. The others are just people I used to know; including Erik. They are not important. Not anymore.