zombie at school
I must have looked something lie this at school today…

Yesterday’s events made me think a lot today, and it made me into such a zombie at school that one of my teachers wondered aloud if someone should ring home to me and ask why I wasn’t in school. I think she had to call my name three times before I heard her.

What I’m trying to figure out is the egotistical, needy side of what I feel for Mark. My thoughts weren’t with “I hope he’s better” but more like “shit I could have lost him”. The distinction is important. One is focused more on his well-being. The other is focused more on mine. So it was an egoistic response.

Is that what love is, in essence? A selfish need rather than an altruistic one? A craven, wanting, demanding thing, rather than an effusive, giving and positive thing? Not that I want him to feel better, but that I want to feel good about myself for wanting to make him feel better?

I can’t make the dots connect. Why? I wish I wasn’t so thick sometimes.

***

Is love about yourself, or that which you love? Really?

I have noticed a difference in how my family handles drama, as opposed to how Mark’s family handles it. With my family there is a lot of hue and cry for hours on end where everyone is very loud in their attempts to be rational and forceful and “doing things”. With Mark’s family, it’s more of a half-an-hour cry and then things are settled.

Both Auntie and mum took turns talking to me and Mark yesterday, with Dad thrown in for good measure. I think that lasted from about four until nine in the evening. Mark’s mum called twice; first to tell me that Mark was down at the A&E and then again in the evening to talk to Mark.

I think, in all, she spoke to us for half-an-hour. My mum alone spoke to me for over an hour in total, wanting to move heaven and earth to ensure that Mark had access to proper drugs and professionals.

I think that I have a very strange family. Sometimes it feels like there’s something deeply wrong with it; like there are important bits missing in the construction. We’re not very close, are we, and yet we spend so much time talking hot air between ourselves. Mark is so close to his parents that I’m envious sometimes, and for them a quick ring is all that’s needed.

It’s as if there’s a power there that only needs a little airing sometimes, while there is no power in my relationship with my parents – so we need to employ a lot of bluster to achieve the same thing that Mark’s does in such a short time.

***

In Philosophy in school we’re going to start on Kant soon. I will be lost to you then. Now that I think about it, maybe my over-thinking today is a conflict between the hypothetical imperatives of consequentialism and utilitarianism, and Kant’s categorical imperatives?

I always disliked utilitarianism because it relies on shifty reasoning based on utility. At the extreme, if people are happier to sacrifice babies to blood-thirsty gods, the utilitarian would accept baby sacrifice because it has utility. Kant believes more in absolutes, that there are categorical imperatives. Maybe Kant is right that true free will is just as impossible as determinism.

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