I haven’t talked about this much here on the blog, but there is something on my mind. Something big and scary and decisive and everything. Next Wednesday after lunch I’m having the interview for Cambridge University.

Lately I’ve been pretty much worked into the ground, so there hasn’t been that much time to actually sit down and think about anything, much less that interview which is just days away now.

It seems like everything that I’ve strived for, since I got the maybe not so bright idea that I wanted to finish school here in England, is coming to a head. Everything is dependent on that interview. My whole future will be determined by it.

And it’s too much. So I’m running away from it, and I don’t think about it, and I don’t prepare. I don’t want to end up being one of those people who stop when the goal is in reach, but that interview is terrifying in its significance.

This morning I decided to take the bull by the horns, and have a look on the internet about it, and there are all sorts of advice. Most is about “don’t worry, be happy, it’s not that bad”. Well, duh. Also this morning I had another meeting with the study councillor, and she was on about “don’t worry, be happy, it’s not that bad”. Argh.

If I could take that cavalier attitude and apply it liberally across the width and breadth of my life, I would, but obviously I’m incapable of doing that, so it doesn’t help to say that. I just need to know the actual process. I might shit myself going in, from being nervous, but at least I’ll know what I face then. I doubt I’ll be seeing the jolly clown that is going to have a bit of a laugh, and then give everyone a hug, and then draw names out of a hat. I will have to perform something.

For all that I rely on Mark, he’s in the middle of this too, and have additional baggage to battle. I can only pour my troubles down his chute so much, because at the end, and as he admits in the mid-night hours, he’s as stressed and nervous as I am. He just handles it differently.

I think for once, I’m going to let my pretence of bravado and independence lapse and talk to mum.