Amy Winehouse, “You know I’m no good”

I’m sorry for my silence on this blog, but there’s a reason for it. I’ve spent about few days feeling incredibly deflated and have a serious lack of motivation for anything. I didn’t get into Cambridge, and I am thinking that the last few years have been such a waste of effort.

I guess I’m not good enough after all. It will be local university for me, and I’ll have to face going for a Master’s instead of just a Bachelor’s. Mark haven’t received his reply yet, though. I’m still hoping for him.

It’s funny how he tries to cheer me up, and it’s funny that the rejection bothers me so much after all. I’ve spent so much time thinking “oh it’s unlikely that I’ll get in” as a ward against this. Now that it’s here… Bah, everything just feels pointless, and I feel like I have no momentum left.

It doesn’t help that we’re in the middle of preps for the exams next week, and I have very little free time.

***

Coming out is such an odd thing to do. Nobody expects Samuel L. Jackson to get up on stage and declare to everyone that he is indeed a black man. Or, for that matter, the open secret of Queen Latifah’s homosexuality doesn’t lead everyone to demand that she declare herself to be a woman or black to everyone she meets.

Yet, there are voices in the LGBT community that become very upset when people like Jodie Foster doesn’t stand up on a bully pulpit and declare that she is a lesbian and wrap herself in the Rainbow flag. And I’m sure there are people that would object to me not wanting to be a political symbol of my homosexuality.

Tony sent me this in a message, and I had to sit back and admire the classy balancing act of an actress who has been out and not-out at the same time in an industry where ‘the gay’ is supposed to stop your career. But maybe that’s just on the male side. As usual lesbians are the invisible voices, the ones that get lost in the drumming out of gay men from public life and public thought by the preachers of “love thy neighbour as thyself”.

An actress whose fan shot President Reagan, because he was obsessed with her and stalked her is probably going to be a bit on the cautious side when it comes to privacy. So, thanks Tony for sending me the link.

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