Relationship revision is always a minefield, or it has the potential to be. On regular occasion Mark and I have Serious Talks, and when they happen I am always nervous that this time he’s going to tell me that he’s had it. But our Serious Talk yesterday, which lasted until nearly three AM, was about that Big Day in August.
When I sit down and actually think about it, it seems like the marriage is going to be the biggest decision of my life. At least so far, and the enormity of it can be a little daunting. I am signing myself, legally, up for years of being conjoined to another person. Neither of us are romantically challenged enough to believe it’s for life, because we don’t buy into that silliness, but it will be for a long time. Our vows do not, for instance, have ’till death do us part’ because including it would be to sully the vow with a cheap saccharine lie. We don’t know, so it doesn’t come into the vows.
I would lie if I said that I’ve never thought about the cons of doing this, and these Serious Talks are often about exploring the cons of things between us. It is indeed not only a revision of our relationship, but maybe also a rewriting of it. Or a renegotiation of some basic rules between us. If something bothers one of us about this us, we talk about it, and then decide some course of action or some common decision.
One of the unspoken rules we have is that during these Serious Talks, we should really be honest about that which bothers us. It is better to air the dirty things that rot in the corner, than to pretend it does not exist. If you talk about it, you put the smelly things in a bag and take it out to the wheely bin. Our relationship is certainly far too strong to harbour much dishonesty, or much self-deceit about it.
One of the recurring thoughts I have about once a month is whether I am making a mistake; about whether I am making a huge decision based on flawed data, or imperfect data, or plain old wishful thinking. I’m just eighteen. Do I really know what I’m getting myself into? But my conclusion is always that this is a legalese position that doesn’t really align with what my heart is telling me.
The cautious and careful person would map out a life that only takes a risk when the chance of overcoming the risk is at the optimal, and thereby miss out on all the spontaneous good that a bit of risk-taking would bring. That way leads to a boring, quiet life filled with unfulfilled things, it seems to me. That way leads to a life where the Serious Talks is about things I haven’t done, but which I would want to do and never will because I’m too cowardly to try.
The way of the heart is the right path, in this. While the heart may be deceitful in all things, as the title of the fake book by the fake author JT Leroy goes, I don’t think it is deceitful in this. In fact, I think the heart is right because despite all my doubts and insecurities otherwise, the heart is remarkably sure of itself. It has not found any detail to obsess over, because when I look at him I know with certainty that this is the right thing to do.
That certainty is so odd, so strange, so out-of-place, if I look at it in isolation. It is more solid and certain than the ground beneath my feet. That certainty is absolute, despite that voice that appear at the start of every Serious Talk, prophesying the doom of everything. Certainty and doubt, in one confusing package. I make no sense.
The video I included in this post, because it is in some sort of skewed counter-interpretative sideways-glance far-fetched-association kind of way about how I feel if you interpret the word ‘music’ very generally, is from the new album ‘Electric’ which has been going on repeat. It has actually managed to punt Daft Punk off my mental charts. It is that good. It is PSB back to their heart-land, the pumping pulsing club land beat. PSB is back to being clever, ironic, quite sarcastic, quintessentially English with a Italo-Spanish disco feel. Only PSB could ever get away with a song title like my favourite off this album, “Love is a bourgeois construct”. Unfortunately it does not exist yet on Youtube so I can’t include it, or I would have put it at the top of this post as an ironic-sarcastic statement like the inner hipster in me wants.