Love came late; before that, this Mark and I thing was all about lust. Before the love and the lust, though, came a gamble. A dare. A little act of courage by Mark, because he was the one that made the first move.
Two years ago, I was thinking a lot about being gay. Specifically, I was thinking a lot about sex. Hey, I was sixteen, so what do you think? I wanted a shag, or thought I wanted a shag, and my first time was going to be beautiful and wicked.
It was actually quite pathetic. I think I lasted through four seconds of fumbled eagerness and frenzy until things got a bit sticky, if you pardon my pun. The experience was more embarrassing than heroic.
But… I did do it. I did not say no. I did not shy away from this, suddenly, big thing that we were going to do. Because at that time, before love, there was only the lust. There was only the decision that this guy, this Mark, was cute and I didn’t mind.
It was only a week later that funny butterflies started to form in my stomach, and it was only two weeks before I was pulling petals of daffodils wondering if he loved me or not, if I loved him or not. What was this feeling? Was it love? Was it just horniness?
But, then again, it wasn’t the sex that made us fall in love. It was that gamble that made us stay together over an extended time. And luck, I think, that neither of us were so big-headed that we tried to dazzle each other. I think that would have annoyed any of us, and if we had annoyed each other, then maybe we wouldn’t be here.
Love is far more important than the sex. I’m not complaining, and I don’t say no, but on balance knowing that someone loves me, actually loves me, is far more important. If my bits fell off, or his did, I wouldn’t jump for joy exactly but if love remained I would still be happy.
I think anything would have triggered love. In our case, it just happened to be teenage horniness coupled with a certain lack of perspective and a lack of impulse-control. If we had stayed together over a period time playing computer games, then I think it would have triggered it. What we needed was that dare; being together and that one of us dared jump over that hurdle and declare an interest.
This line of thought came up when a friend of mind said something I found a bit backward. He said he was afraid to go out to find love, in case someone wouldn’t love him. And I thought about this, and that gamble Mark and I took. I think love is a gamble, and you need to take it, even if you end up hurt. If you don’t dare, then how can you find that hurdle to jump?