Hard to believe, but I was actually thinking on the train back south this morning. Some may call it over-thinking, and hadn’t Mark pulled me from those depths, I would have woken from my thoughts in Southampton or Plymouth.
I was thinking about our flaws, and how we tolerate them in each other. Yes, sometimes there’s nothing more annoying in the whole world than Mark. I am certain he feels the same about me sometimes. Yet, we’re still here, strong as ever, even if we’ve sworn to wipe out those flaws in the other if it’s the last thing we do.
We’ve been married for five months now. We’re in the routine of that, and it doesn’t happen so often any more that I twitch and think how astonishing that is. It used to happen quite often when it was still fresh. When we were in South Africa on our honey moon, every day was like that. Several times a day; genuine surprise that we’d gone and actually done it.
Only people who meet us for the first time are annoyingly surprised about it. Just like we have to come out as gay to everyone we meet for the first time, we have to come out as married. The reaction is always predictable; you can see it in their eyes that they think we’re too young. Or maybe I’ve met that reaction so often that I default to seeing that reaction, even when it’s not there?
There was another young couple on the train south, and the girl was sitting in the boy’s lap, and it annoyed me that Mark and I never do that. We’re so careful out in the world, and you’d think we were a couple of mates travelling together. There’s always that calculation in the back of one’s mind: is it safe?
It’s what we’re used to, and I think also it’s how we are as people. I’m not sure we’d do it like that even if we were a heterosexual couple. We’re far too reserved and awkward to be that exuberant. And in a way, that is an annoying flaw that we share; both of us have it.
And that’s never been up for discussion when we’re bickering and pointing out how the other is the most annoying thing ever in the entire world. That both innate and calculated cowardice that say we should hide how we feel about each other when we’re out amongst other people. I mean, instead of either of us sitting in the other’s lap like a normal young couple who only have eyes for each other.
But maybe that sort of exuberance is also something that wears off in marriage; when you’re safe and secure in a relationship, the need for constant reinforcement of the relationship isn’t needed. Time to get that mortgage and the company car soon, I think.