On some level it feels weird to do this. In little over a month we will have been married for a year, and there’s no reason to think there’s been any suspicious activities at all, and yet we’re off to the GUM clinic to do those awkward tests.

It is like there only so far we go with trust, but no further. So, this annual pilgrimage to the STD tests become like a stake pointed to the heart of our marriage. If one of us refuses, does he have something to hide?

It is weird because I would probably be the most at risk of falling for the temptation that would ruin everything, and the very idea actually frightens me. I can see myself being stupid beyond words, and destroy everything. Which is why I won’t. I could lose all this, and for what? A momentary pleasure that would destroy the core of our trust.

You’ll just have to take my word for it, and trust that my judgement is not based on anything but sober and critical analysis of his personality over these years we’ve been together. Mark attach himself to people and doesn’t let go; which was a mark against him when he was together with the ex. Mark stayed for far too long with the ex. He is not impulsive, as I can be. This trait is annoying trait sometimes, when I want him to relax his rigidity about things.

But it also leads to trust that he wouldn’t cheat on me, and so these visits to the clinic shouldn’t be needed. Yet we go, and I feel weird because our willingness to go is also proof that neither of us are doing anything stupid. And it’s also proof that trust only goes so far.

Isn’t that a weird thing to think? If we have trust the tests shouldn’t be needed. If we don’t have trust they are. But if we do go, it reinforces trust. If we don’t go, there’s a nagging question around the trust.

We’re going tomorrow, and it will be as horrible as the last time, and I’ll feel dreadfully awkward. But at least we won’t have to spend a lot of money at Boots for unmentionable necessaries.

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