I have about six months to decide whether I want to go on after I get my Bachelor degree next year, or whether I should take a gap year or two and work for a living. I had better use that time to make a good decision, right?

Dad brought it up when I spoke to him on the phone. We have this system going – where he manages my savings and puts money on my VISA every month. We had planned for that to continue until I took my degree, and after that I would be on my own. I quite like that system since it makes life easier for me. I could have things like this until I’m old and worn.

He enjoys doing this sort of thing, and he’s good at it. When I have to do it, I just sign a lot of papers as fast as possible, and then try to forget about it until the next time. Every year there’s this bout of authorisations I have to do now that I’m older than 18 and now that I’m supposed to be responsible for myself. So, once a year, I have to meet with this solicitor and go through a pile of papers.

Yesterday, Mark and I talked about it, because of dad talking to me. Mark wants to go on after his degree, and take a Masters. I haven’t decided yet. Is it going to make any difference if I take a masters or not? Do I want to go on for another two years? Should I continue at this university, or try to get into a more high powered one?

I still remember how disappointed I was about not getting into Cambridge. I’m not sure I want to go through that again. Also, I’m not sure that they’re really suitable for me. Ever since I became an Oxbridge reject, I’ve sort of dithered about direction, haven’t I? And I’ve, mainly, been happy to putter about without a goal – even if I’ve complained about it.

I like my life as it is now, even though I don’t like the commuting. It would be good if it didn’t change too much. But maybe that’s because I’m naturally lazy. I like living in my own head, and I’m fortunate enough to be able to do that.

The whole thing with dad. I went through my papers and stuff the other day, to see where I stand. When I came here, I thought that my savings would drain, but it doesn’t. I’m starting to think that if I live within my means, it won’t diminish much at all, and I might even have more when I get my degree than when I started. It’s weird. I don’t do anything to earn what I have, but it still grows.

I’m a rich middle class kid with a trust-fund, and I’ve done nothing to earn that. I’ve done nothing to achieve anything in my life, yet I’m set for a long while, unless I do something stupid. I can’t help think that it’s unfair somehow, and a bit unhealthy. Maybe I’m sliding into a contented, idle, useless lifestyle that’s going to make me insufferable in the end.

But still, I have to decide. I have six months to do it. I had better make a good decision. Right? Right?

Now it’s weekend, even though it’s only Thursday. Tomorrow I’ll have to stay at home because I have to meet my tutors. I’ll ask them, and I doubt I’ll have an answer I’ll be satisfied with. It won’t be the last time I’ll ask. More dithering…